she woke up with a sticky ear
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
