I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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