i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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