CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
