My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Everclear isn't food dammit
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
