she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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