absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
