Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
