I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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