it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
