I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
