i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
