Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
