I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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