I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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