Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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