I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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