I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
