i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize