I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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