Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize