ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
