i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
