I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
