My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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