I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I party with great urgency now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
