I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
