First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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