i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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