I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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