Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
