I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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