i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
