Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
