I'm going to jail i love you
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He? As in you personified your dick?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
