tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
These tits shall not be calmed
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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