ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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