i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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