You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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