1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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