And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
