Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
