My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
