I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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