Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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