Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
