I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
