i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
