if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
