Im at strip club and am horny
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
