I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
