if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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