You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
