You're my little dorito
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
