she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
