woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
