my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I look excited, but its just a facade.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
