My cat gives me a boner
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
